words by ava

I find myself in brief moments upended by ecstasy
and I wait alone
for the other shoe to drop
to shatter this happiness
that can’t possibly be my own.

Feather-light promises
exhaled from hot breath 
are taken to be
nothing more than sweet
nothings.
Yet in the glow of your headlights
I see you arriving again
back—like you promised.
As I wait for your car to slow
I think as I shiver
that a man’s word might be something more 
than a convenient way to fill space

You seize my hand with no hesitation, you
hold it proudly 
You listen 
And the authority with which I speak 
is respected, 
taken for a fact
never doubted.
The gas to burn my words
has been carried off,
gone.

Your love radiates
unhindered. 
I didn’t think a man could be like that
You are an anomaly I want to inspect 
to dissect
find the heart 
pull it out; stare at it 
make sense of it.
Could this, too, be a man?

Like a fairytale 
but like the ones 
that are always laced 
with despair.
Once again
I recite the truth I learned 
that everything a man received from me 
was taken
and it reminds me
to hold hands with one finger left astray
to pray but expect defeat
to lock away one part of myself 
that shall remain untouched
so that I can always escape 
Unscathed 
And unloved. 

To sit exposed, 
in front of the sex that has taken
and taken 
and taken from me;
to sit and let him see 
the despair that hold hands with my depression
the anxiety that colors my skin
the panic coursing through me
and the obsessive need for control,
I can’t

but that long lost flicker fights its way 
to drift on the surface 
languidly 
pestering me 
for four words breathed out
on one exhalation
what if he leaves? 
A shame 
that the closest he ever got to me 
was on these sheets of paper
crumpled and left unread.

The clouds race overhead
dancing
hopeful 
for a different answer
but I wait alone
for the other shoe to drop
to shatter this happiness
that can’t possibly be my own